The Power of Self-Disclosure

It took Becky and Simon* all the courage they could muster in order to come and see us for a preliminary chat. As a leadership couple in their church, they’d felt it necessary to put on a cheerful exterior and a united front; however behind closed doors they were struggling with the same old arguments that they could never seem to resolve but always seemed to leave them in pain.

As they opened up with us about their struggles, it came apparent that on top of the issues that they were arguing about, they were also wrestling with a lot of shame and self-condemnation. They felt that as leaders, they shouldn’t be in this position or they should just be able to resolve their issues together by prayer or good communication.

It was at this point that we shared a little from our own experience. We revealed how there are times when we too can get caught up in cyclical arguments and explained what has helped us to get unstuck. We shared that most of the couples who come to see us also have similar patterns of behaviour that can cause hurt and misunderstanding between them. We also explained that many of our other clients had been able to find new ways of relating and reassured them that they too could have hope for their marriage.

We could see Becky and Simon visibly start to relax and be encouraged as they realised that they weren’t alone and that what they were experiencing wasn’t terribly unusual or completely beyond repair.

Self-disclosure as a couple can be a powerful tool to help normalise the situations that couples can often find themselves in. It helps them see that being vulnerable in an appropriate setting can encourage others to do the same and it also reminds them that none of us are perfect.

We are careful in exactly how or when we share from our own experiences. Here are a few tips from what we have found helpful along the way:

• We make sure that we agree beforehand what stories we are happy to share.
• We use self-disclosure to help build trust, to normalise issues for the couple or to use our story as an example of something we are trying to illustrate.
• We avoid using issues that are still very much live for us or if we’re still feeling raw from trying to resolve an issue.
• We are careful not to over-identify with the couple and explain that every couple is unique.
• We are open to the Holy Spirit nudging us as to when it is a good time to open up about something.

*Names and details changed