One Tiny Word that Transforms Relationships
Well, it isn’t "sorry"; although that can be a very useful word to use when we’re in the wrong, have made a mistake or have hurt our husband or wife. It isn’t "no"; although that can be very handy too especially for those of us who don’t use it enough or are serial people pleasers. And it isn’t "yes"; although plenty of us could do with exercising that word more too especially if we have a tendency to hold back or be lazy in our most important relationship.
The word I actually want to focus on is the word "us" or "we".
The temptation, especially during conflict, is to use the pronouns "I" or "you" and often in a way that puts the "I" in the right and the "you" in the wrong! So you might say, for example, "I am doing all the clearing up and you are not doing anything to help."
When we use "we" or even "us", we replace confrontation with collaboration. We instantly demonstrate that we are on the same side and that we want to pull together as a team. "Our house is looking such a mess, where shall we start with the clearing up?"
Judith and Richard Glaser wrote a great article in the Harvard Business Review entitled, 'The Neurochemistry of Positive Conversations.'
They did some research in workplaces and looked at the various behaviours of managers and the reaction that those behaviours elicited from the staff that they were leading.
They discovered that when the boss used the word "we", listened well and didn't micro manage everone, the staff were much more likely to experience positive feelings, demonstrate trust and be willing to collaborate. Conversely, if the staff were nagged, criticised or ordered about, they were likely to experience stress and feel that they weren't trusted. They also perceived more negativity and judgement from the boss, than actually existed.
I think the same is true in most relationships and perhaps nowhere more so than in a marriage. After all, when we stood at the altar and made our vows to each other, "two became one". We chose to become an "us".
Some of us worry about being smothered in a relationship or of losing our identity. But being a couple isn’t about being dependent or giving up who you are. And it isn’t about being independent and just doing whatever you want. It is about being inter-dependent.
I’ve seen that at work in my own marriage. David and I, like any other couple, have experienced some tough times. We suffered a miscarriage and went through years of fertility treatment before our son was born. We also lost five jobs between us in the space of six months, which was both a scary and exciting time.
What helped us in those (and other) difficult times was choosing to pull together as a team. We looked at what "we" could do. We supported each other and we found ways to laugh. We decided to think in terms of what was best for our relationship. So, for instance, when we lost the jobs, we decided to take stock and re-evaluate our situation.
We took out a blank piece of paper and talked together about what we wanted from life, what we felt God was calling us to do and where we could live in order to make that happen. We found a solution that worked for the two of us (well, the three of us as our son had just turned 2) and six months later we moved to Bristol.
In a relationship, we form a "we" or "us" and how we behave and respond in that relationship will either help to protect, build and nurture that "us" or it will hurt, harm and ultimately destroy it.
Why not try it this week? Instead of telling our partner what he or she can do better, let’s ask "how can we improve this situation?". It is a tiny change but it could make a big difference.