Are we there yet?

Our son is an outward bound instructor and manages a centre dedicated to developing confidence and resilience in young people through outdoor pursuits. He doesn’t get this inclination or skill from me because on family walks, I am usually the one with the “are we there yet?” question. Apart from the (very few) times when I am beaten to it by our three year old granddaughter.

There is something about hill walks through rough terrain, that provokes this question in me. I have never been satisfied by the standard response of “nearly there”, but there is something about stopping, looking back and seeing how far we’ve already come that I find can motivating and even exhilarating.

It’s been a tough year for most of us in the UK with all the lockdowns. And although, thankfully, we are “nearly there”, I still do not find this particularly encouraging. I don’t feel better telling myself, “just a few more months, I can do this” because it feels hard, it feels challenging and I’m tired. But if I stop for a moment, calm my breathing and look back down the road I’ve travelled, I am encouraged by how far I’ve come.

So, what does it mean for us to stop? How do we encourage ourselves? And how do we use that energy to motivate ourselves to keep going when we feel like giving up? I want to suggest three ways we can address those questions. We can recreate some space around us, we can reflect on ourselves and we can renew our mind.

Recreating Space.
Finding space in a lockdown situation is not easy. Many of the couples we coach are dealing with home schooling and/or managing babies and toddlers and/or home working plus online church not to mention a constant stream of Zoom calls. If that wasn’t enough, some will also be supporting older relatives or members of their local community. Because of this, tensions between them are often high with their nerves frayed to breaking point.

We normally begin our coaching sessions with prayer (if the couple are open to that) and we are often encouraged at how that creates a new sense of calm and peace for them. It creates a space around them, so that they can look at their relationship without the worries of the world overwhelming them during the session.

Jesus spoke about our burdens; “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). This rest, is a different kind of space. It’s a coming to terms with our own humanity and the futility of our own efforts. It’s a realisation that we are not alone in our struggles. We have found that accepting God’s invitation to “come” without hiding our weariness or burdens and acknowledging who God is, brings its own unique kind of space.

How can you take time this week to create space and to pray, to pause, and to listen to what the Holy Spirit may be saying to you?

Reflection.
Reflection allows us to see ourselves as we are. Sometimes our internal “mirrors” get distorted, or we view ourselves through what we see lived out on social media. Instead of these distortions, when we see ourselves reflected by those closest to us, those who we trust to have positive intent toward us, we gain a far truer picture of who we really are. They enable us to see things in ourselves that we might have missed and reflect back to us where we are on our journey. And when we understand where we are right now, it’s much easier to appreciate how far we have come.

There are times in marriage when communication becomes strained, or we misunderstand one another or the going seems particularly tough. These are the times when we are more likely to be irritated or frustrated with our spousal differences. These are the times when we might look more at our internal mirrors than the external ones.

Guy and I recently completed a personality profile which amongst other things measured our need for variety. My need for variety was 97% whereas Guy’s was 3%! That information provided an interesting lens through which to view our differences. Considering how far apart we are on this, Guy now has a new understanding of how well I have coped with the lack of variety over the last year and I have a new appreciation of why he does not feel the same need to innovate or create change and that’s helped me feel less frustrated with him. And hopefully vice versa!

So what is informing your reflection? Are there distortions in the way you see yourself or your relationship? Who are the trusted friends you can rely on to encourage you and enable you to see how far you’ve come?

Renew our minds.
I was brought up to believe that talking to yourself is the first sign of madness! But in truth we all talk to ourselves, even if it isn’t always out loud! But what are we actually telling ourselves? As the Queen of catastrophic thought I tell myself all sorts of unhelpful things. I have a tendency to “stack” frustrations until I feel like I am being drowned or slowly suffocated. This is me in my natural state. However, I have learned that it is possible to “take captive every though to make it obedient to Christ”. (2 Cor 10:5)

Our emotions and feelings are driven by what we are think about. Don’t believe it? Stop for a moment and just try to imagine all the times when you’ve felt let down or misunderstood. Think about all those annoying habits your partner has or all the times that they have been unreasonable. How are you feeling? Stressed? Angry? Sad? Frustrated? Hopeless? Congratulations! You’ve succeeded in feeling the emotional state that you’ve just instructed your mind to imagine.

But what if we give our minds different instructions? What if we remind ourselves that “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28) and we instruct our minds with that truth. What if we endeavour to be “transformed by the renewing of our mind” (Romans 12:2) rather than conform ourselves to the pattern of this world? Might we start to review our circumstances through the lens of faith and hope? Might we find a purpose in the struggle and the frustration, that we could learn from?

Ultimately, I may not make a long distance walker or be a great hiker. I may always be the first one to say “are we there yet?”. I may forget to pray and re-orientate myself. I may sometimes get distorted perspectives on myself and my marriage. And I may (at more times than I would like) imagine a less than hopeful future. But I know that I can stop. I know that I can pray. I know that I can get a more accurate reflection of myself by being both authentic and honest with trusted friends. And I know that I can renew my mind by thinking on the truth and in turn get a better perspective on my journey. With this I can genuinely appreciate how far I’ve come and gain fresh momentum for the rest of the journey ahead. At least I hope so. We’re not there yet, after all!