Tips for Helping Couples Online
Before lockdown, we saw a handful of couples online but most of our work was done in person at our home.
We also found it was harder to help regulate someone who was upset or angry when not physically close to them. We have had to find a way round this. One option is to ask the couple to call from separate rooms, if they have two devices and enough space. We discovered that we needed to pay more attention to the emotional temperature of the couple and making sure that arguments didn't escalate. If someone does get upset, we encourage the partner to pass the tissues or respond in an appropriate way.
Another challenge we've experienced is struggling to read some of the visual cues from the couple. Whilst facial expressions become more obvious on screen, you lose access to other body language. We've learnt to enquire more when we aren't able to gauge what is happening from our limited perspective. For example, if we see a movement slightly offscreen we might stop and ask what just happened. It might transpire that one partner reached a hand across to comfort their spouse but it was pushed back. We might have missed that if we hadn't stopped to ask.
But as time has progressed and we and our clients have adapted, we've also started to see some benefits. Some couples feel more relaxed in their own space and find that they can open up more. Others are delighted not to have to travel or find babysitters. For us, it has opened up the geographical area from which we can see couples and it has also meant we don't have to keep our front room quite so tidy! Here are few things that we have found helpful in our move online, in case they are of help to you:
Our perception was that coaching virtually was somehow second best or less effective.
Social distancing has changed that. All of our coaching has had to go online. That was a challenge, certainly to start with. We, and our clients, needed to adjust to the new set up. Zoom fatigue soon became a thing and we realised there was a threshold for how many intensive calls we could do in one day. For us, three was our maximum.We also found it was harder to help regulate someone who was upset or angry when not physically close to them. We have had to find a way round this. One option is to ask the couple to call from separate rooms, if they have two devices and enough space. We discovered that we needed to pay more attention to the emotional temperature of the couple and making sure that arguments didn't escalate. If someone does get upset, we encourage the partner to pass the tissues or respond in an appropriate way.
Another challenge we've experienced is struggling to read some of the visual cues from the couple. Whilst facial expressions become more obvious on screen, you lose access to other body language. We've learnt to enquire more when we aren't able to gauge what is happening from our limited perspective. For example, if we see a movement slightly offscreen we might stop and ask what just happened. It might transpire that one partner reached a hand across to comfort their spouse but it was pushed back. We might have missed that if we hadn't stopped to ask.
But as time has progressed and we and our clients have adapted, we've also started to see some benefits. Some couples feel more relaxed in their own space and find that they can open up more. Others are delighted not to have to travel or find babysitters. For us, it has opened up the geographical area from which we can see couples and it has also meant we don't have to keep our front room quite so tidy! Here are few things that we have found helpful in our move online, in case they are of help to you:
- 1) Create a warm welcome.
At the start, make sure that they can see and hear you well and that they have what they need in terms of a drink or tissues. Also check that they have privacy and that they won't be disturbed. - 2) Lower the emotional temperature if things escalate.
Check in with each person to see how they are feeling. If they get angry, be quick to pause the conversation to help them regulate and access some of their softer emotions. We also encourage our couples to self report and indicate if they are feeling any changes to their emotional state. - 3) Check verbally what you can't check visually.
If you can't see something, or aren't quite sure what you are seeing - ask. - 4) Finish well.
Keep an eye on the time and make sure you leave ten minutes before the end to bring the conversation to a good close. You might want to take time to encourage the couple or to pray for them. Or you might want to get them to share some appreciations with each other. Some couples might need to be encouraged not to carry on discussing a contentious issue straight after they hang up!
Although we would always do these things with couples in-person, it is important to be especially mindful of the transition from online coaching back to reality. When people leave you in-person, there is a natural break as the couples travel from the coaching session to wherever they need to be next. Online however, people may take a couple of seconds before going to the next thing they were planning to do, so it is worth checking what they have next and whether they need anything from you or each other before they make that transition.