Make love (not war) at Christmas

One thing we know about Christmas 2020 is that it isn’t going to be normal; whatever normal looks like in your home. Even at the best of times, the Christmas holidays can be a recipe for marital discord as a couple’s differences come to the surface but this year we have a new set of pressures and restrictions to deal with. So in this season of peace and love and goodwill, where we remember the miraculous birth of Jesus, how can we create harmony instead of friction in our marriage?

Here are some suggestions:

1. 1) Voice your expectations and make agreements.
   You probably have some thoughts and ideas about how you want this Christmas to be like. How many of these have you shared with your spouse?

   The danger sometimes is that we have unspoken expectations or we assume our husband or wife should just know what we want or need. But sadly, mind reading is not a superpower that many (or any) of us have!

   Many relationship misunderstandings come from unvoiced expectations. Why not take some time to express to each other your hopes, fears and dreams for Christmas and the holidays? Try to come to some agreements together. These can be renegotiated as you go along but it really helps to know what is in each other’s hearts and minds.



2. 2) Focus on what is important.
   What is the most important thing about Christmas for you both? It can help to sit down and discuss it together. When you look back at Christmas 2020 what do you want it to have been about? If you can decide on the answer together you can then work on making sure that what you value stays at the center of all your activities and decisions. Knowing what is important to you both can help you to prioritise and work out what or who to say “yes” or “no” to.


3. 3) Create your traditions together.
   We all come into marriage or a relationship with different experiences, traditions and preferences. These are often magnified at Christmas. It can be hard when our partner’s family do something completely different to what we're used to doing. Especially when we believe that the way that our family of origin celeberated Christmas was the “normal” way! When do you open the presents? When do you eat the main meal? When do you go to Church? Who do you spend the day with? How do you serve others? Every family will asnwer these questions differently.
   
   The great thing about forming a new family unit or couple relationship is you can decide your own traditions. What are the good things that you would like to hold onto from your past and what new things would you like to create together? And how do you need to adapt or change these things to make them with the current COVID restrictions?


4. 4) Find “us” solutions.
   If you are open and prepared to be creative, you can find “us” solutions to most problems or differences. Put aside your own “way” for one moment and then brainstorm solutions until you find one that might work for both of you. A solution that you would both be happy with, even if wouldn't have been your ideal.
   
   One friend of mine has completely different ideas about Christmas trees to her husband. She would like a real tree and he would prefer a fake one, but they won’t be rushing out to by a 50/50 tree (even though they exist). They have found a solution that works for them. He decorates a fake tree with the children that goes in the kitchen and they are allowed to put as much tinsel and stuff on it as they like. Anything goes. She meanwhile, is in charge of the real tree that goes in their front room. This she decorates on her own with single-coloured decorations, white lights and no tinsel in sight! They are both happy with this arrangement and it is a tradition that has been going for over two decades now in their house.
   
   Whether it is agreeing a budget, decorating the house, choosing presents or finding opportunities to serve or pray, get creative and find a solution that suits you both. It can be done.


5. 5) Form a united front.
   Whether it is tricky relatives, demanding children, work pressures or temptations in any form, try and create a united front between you. Decide your boundaries or responses together and stick to them. Back each other up, support each other and encourage each other. It is harder for anyone to get between you if you are standing united and in agreement with each other.


6. 6) Simply where possible.
   No one finds a control freak fun at Christmas and sometimes “good enough” is the best result. Remember to focus on what is important to you and let some other things go. Will anyone really notice if the bread sauce comes out of the packet? Or the stuffing wasn’t homemade? If they do notice, does it really matter? (Especially if it means you are less stressed and can focus more on the people present in front of you). What can you let go of this year? What could simplify things for you all? What can you delegate to others?


7. 7) Build happy and fun memories.
   Christmas is a great time to build happy memories with our loved ones; memories that will help sustain us when difficult or tricky times come along. Remember to have fun and to appreciate the loved ones that you are with (and those that are absent). Pause, reflect and take it all in. Turn off any distracting devices, put your “out of office” on, switch off from the world and tune in to your favourite people. Carve out time to be with your partner and to show them how much you love and appreciate them. Take time to play, giggle and hug. Create space to pray together and celebrate all that God has done and is doing in your lives. Make this a Christmas to remember.