Choosing LOVE, Actually
My parents have been married for 61 years. My mum has been diagnosed with dementia and my dad has mobility challenges. On the 2nd of January, they both tested positive for COVID-19 and have miraculously both survived.
This week, Dad was discharged from hospital and Mum was brought home to be with him from the residential care home, in which she had been receiving respite care.
At the Relationships Academy, we are intrigued by these questions and have devoted ourselves to understanding more about the spiritual, emotional, and physical aspects of nurturing great relationships. How do we nurture our relationships when the going gets tough? Especially how do we do that whilst juggling our family responsibilities, online learning, working from home, or the loneliness that can come from living a socially distanced life?
Ecclesiastes 4:12 tells us that a three cord strand is not easily broken. How do we develop that kind of resilience in our marriages?
This time of year is characteristically the season for reflection, for resolutions, for new goals and completing tax returns. It’s also the time we look ahead to the coming months. There is much beyond our control. When and how lockdown will end for one. Despite all the uncertainty we are currently facing, the one thing we can always influence is ourselves.
So, with that in mind and as Valentine’s day approaches, here are four suggestions as to how we can enhance the LOVE in our marriages:
This week, Dad was discharged from hospital and Mum was brought home to be with him from the residential care home, in which she had been receiving respite care.
On a Zoom call with them this week, I asked my mum if my dad was as handsome as she remembered. Her reply was, “You can’t improve on perfection!”
Now, I realise they have both been ill and Mum’s memories are jumbled at best, but as I looked at Dad’s toothless grin (he just can’t get on with those dentures) and Mum’s adoring look, I found myself wondering how exactly do they do that? And how can the rest of us do that too? How can we overcome the obstacles that life throws at us in a way that makes our relationships stronger? How does anyone gaze at the toothless grin of another and see “perfection”?At the Relationships Academy, we are intrigued by these questions and have devoted ourselves to understanding more about the spiritual, emotional, and physical aspects of nurturing great relationships. How do we nurture our relationships when the going gets tough? Especially how do we do that whilst juggling our family responsibilities, online learning, working from home, or the loneliness that can come from living a socially distanced life?
Ecclesiastes 4:12 tells us that a three cord strand is not easily broken. How do we develop that kind of resilience in our marriages?
This time of year is characteristically the season for reflection, for resolutions, for new goals and completing tax returns. It’s also the time we look ahead to the coming months. There is much beyond our control. When and how lockdown will end for one. Despite all the uncertainty we are currently facing, the one thing we can always influence is ourselves.
So, with that in mind and as Valentine’s day approaches, here are four suggestions as to how we can enhance the LOVE in our marriages:
- L) Laughter.
Did you know that laughter relieves stress, boosts the immune system and improves your resistance to disease? Laughing together, whether through shared memories, jokes, games, or watching a good comedy, increases our sense of connection with our spouse and enhances our mood. What fun can you plan together today? - O) Openness.
Choosing to be open with our spouse about our joys, difficulties, struggles and victories, builds connection and enhances what Dr John Gottman, in his research, calls our “love maps”. I can still remember leading a marriage seminar in which we were invited to name our partner's top stressors. I completed my list quickly, confident that I really “knew” Guy and he did the same. Imagine our surprise when we discovered we didn’t know each other as well as we thought. It wasn’t that we were totally wrong, we just hadn’t taken the time to update one another and be open about how we were changing. It was a wake up call for both of us. So with that in mind, what can you share with each other this week about your fears, hopes and dreams? - V) Valour.
Opting for great courage usually in the face of perceived danger. Choosing to have the “brave” conversations with our spouse about things that really matter to us. Venturing into the “no go” areas of our lives can result in a closer and more intimate connection. This is sometimes best achieved with the help of another couple you trust (or a couples coach) if you doubt your ability to manage the fallout. Where do you need to be courageous in your relationship right now and what will help you to do that? - E) Encouragement.
In 2001, psychologists Paul Rozin and Edward B Royzman first published the idea that the brain has a built in “negativity bias”, which is probably why we focus on criticism disproportionately. The aforementioned Dr John Gottman also famously showed that couples need a five to one positivity ratio between positive and negative interactions during conflict. Given that it could end up being the difference between a marriage's success or failure, how can you seek to encourage your spouse in an intentional way?
We are living in a time of particular challenge. It is hard in different ways for all of us. We may not have had COVID-19, or suffer from dementia and we may not be toothless, but just maybe it’s possible for us to see perfection in the imperfections of each other. Maybe it really is possible to make the choice to LOVE intentionally, and despite our challenges, see our relationships grow stronger and flourish.